An attachment primer for those supporting riders, at all levels
The role of a supporting parent, coach or trainer in the journey of a rider is often significant (for ease of reading, I will refer to all as coaches for this article). A successful coach has the ability to observe, notice, mentor, empathise, reflect and draw upon their own relevant experience and skill with ease. In fact, these traits should be the wishlist for anyone seeking a coach or the checklist for those aspiring to be coaches. The importance of these traits is imperative in both the development of young riders and in providing the correct nurturing environment for any rider facing a challenge. This article will introduce attachment theory and how to consider its implication when supporting riders.
John Bowlby proposed the theory of attachment, describing it as,
A lasting psychological connectedness between human beings
The theory, in its updated form, proposes that humans need to develop secure attachments throughout their lives, with significant others — with their main caregiver during childhood being their primary and first experience of this. When a child is able to access these secure attachments, particularly in early childhood, they encourage the development of an ‘internal working model’ (mental processes / skills) that enables the child to regulate emotions, reduce fear, attune to others, have self-understanding and insight, empathy for others and appropriate moral reasoning.
This process manifests out of the caregiver is duly responsive, caring and soothing in situations where a child/adult experiences panic. This provides an environment where a child eventually internalises their external experience of the caregiver into their own internal world, thus being able to activate in themselves the responses once afforded to them from their empathic significant other. These abilities manifest throughout the lifespan, once achieved.
Not all children and adults are able to access secure attachments, rather they experience insecure attachments with their primary caregivers and/or significant others throughout adulthood. Not all carers have themselves, the ability to respond as a secure base, to be sensitive to the needs of others. Some can be distant to the needs of others, ambivalent — often displaying simultaneous opposite behaviours and feelings (e.g. hugging a child whilst also tensing up due to their own discomfort) and some are erratic and even scary.
In these contexts, children are unable to develop within a secure attachment environment and so can fail to develop the internal model needed to soothe themselves, manage their own emotions and to engage in reciprocal relationships. Instead, a range of other behaviours and responses are observed in times of stress and social contexts.
Mary Ainsworth, a student of Bowlby’s went on to categorise attachment types, these including a secure attachment and 3 sub-categories of insecure attachments; i. avoidant, ii. ambivalent and iii. disorganised:
Research into this area suggests that around a third of people in the world are not securely attached (35%). Of particular importance to the coach is to take note of the different descriptions of the model’s proposed general states of being alongside the associated representation of the world, held by the child (why the child (or person) acts the way he/she does).
Those with avoidant attachment styles are observed to have a state of being that is not very explorative and is emotionally distant, based on a subconscious world view that predicts that their needs probably won’t be met whatever effort they put in (a consequence of a distant caregiver experience).
Those with ambivalent attachment styles are observed to have a state of being that is anxious, insecure and prone to anger. This is based on a world view that his/her need will not be reliably met (a consequence of an inconsistent caregiver, who is sometimes neglectful).
Those with disorganised attachment styles are observed to have a state of being that is depressed, angry, completely passive and non-responsive to the needs of others. This is based on a world view that is confused and provides no strategy on how to get their own needs met (a consequence of extreme, erratic caregiving which may have been frightening, overly passive and/or overly intrusive).
At this point, you may be recognising patterns in your own life and history — whether you are a rider or a supporting other. This is to be expected, as we are all consequences of attachment relationships and can see ourselves in these categories.
It is important to note here that this model does not promote any sense of value judgement. It is not that a securely attached person is a better person than those who are insecure, rather they express different responses to stress, social situations and challenges which can go unnoticed through life or create challenges that need personal attention to surpass. It is known that attachment style is linked to a child’s readiness to start school(Commodari 2013) and their overall school success (Geddes 2006). This indicates the challenges for children, but not any judgement of value.
I’d also like to add and stress that this model also does not automatically indicate any judgement on caregivers. Of course, if a caregiver is abusive or neglectful — this is a safeguarding issue that is not to be ignored. However, there are more subtle expressions of an insecure attachment that can appear in caregivers and coaches, in both directions. It is in these situations, where an understanding of the theory can create awareness and a commitment to adapt — particularly for coaches themselves.
Supporting Riders
Rider coaching is delivered via a complex dynamic between the rider and coach. The rider is often keen to progress their ability in the context of a somewhat risky endeavour, with a partially predictable partnership with a horse and often in the context of competition and high expectation. From the earliest of contact with any equine social environment, the relationship between horse and rider is aimed at skill development, increasing challenge and recognition for rapid growth (best rider at mini-camp, pony club best improved… through to the gasps and applause at Olympia).
Our own house is littered with rosettes to visibly demonstrate the draw of this endeavour.
For the rider, this is an environment characterised by risk-taking, success and failure, experiences of fear, public attention, an intensely focused social grouping and the highs and lows of seeking improvement and hitting walls. An environment that is primed to push against one’s mental models of coping in the world.
In this space, coaches can be observed responding to their dashed hopes, as the outcomes of hours of effort and expense fall short of expectation. The responses of coaches, in this context, can be nurturing of a secure attachment or absent of this and insecure in nature. I’ve witnessed many eyes roll when a rider leaves the arena to a tongue lashing from their coach, or a distressed rider is told to “try harder” next time.
There is, I believe, a misunderstood perception that ‘tough love’ is required to push people to performance. It’s an approach that is in and of itself seems to be a presentation of ambivalence, where the shared hope for success is characterised by a neglect of the rider’s fear, disappointment and/or shame. Riders learn to push away negative thoughts and emotions, that block progress. Instead, learning not to rely on these needs being met and soothed — but to internalise a ‘tough love’ and a ‘stiff upper lip’ approach to getting through adversity. Riding has deep routes in the military where the tough love approach was a historic core component of training, but even in there the psychology of personnel is now increasingly recognised.
To foster a safe training environment, coaches should strive to express a secure attachment style even if this sits outside of their own comfort zone. This can be learnt by most, as a collection of core coaching skills and is characterised by the list of traits at the start of this article. Which again, I will refer to as baseline requirements when selecting a coach or deciding to be one (parents included). No matter the attachment style of your rider, it is this approach that will afford them the best opportunity to find security and internalise a model that supports them within their riding environment. You being a significant other, in their lives at a repeated point of great challenge.
NB: There is a risk that this information equips a coach to ‘diagnose’ their riders and their caregivers. Please refrain from doing so, you are most definitely underskilled in this domain and also there is no benefit to be had. This is not an exercise in pathologising, blaming, labelling or categorising riders and caregivers. Rather, this is an exercise in understanding how your expression of appropriate security, soothing, empathy, encouragement and understanding is the optimal environment for your rider. I am also nudging you to encourage empathy to the more challenging response styles your rider may display when stressed, which are always an expression of their own core beliefs about themselves and the world. By reinforcing something wholesome, you can nurture something new at best or just be a positive experience for them in their lives.
Summary
An understanding of the coaching relationship in the context of attachment theory is a potentially valuable insight for coaches or those selecting a coach. The attachment style of the rider is really not up for assessment or adaptation, as this is not addressable as a coaching objective. Rather, the presenting attachment behaviours of the coach are crucial and should be considered a necessary component of all coaching relationships. The experience of riders, as they seek to excel, is fertile ground for introducing a secure relationship which will nurture growth and provide some potential for this to be internalised into their personal development. Coaching, in this respect, is much more than how effective a rider is in achieving their objectives on the field or in the arena. It is an opportunity to create an impact that aids the rider on and off their horse.