A self-coaching approach for the unconfident horse rider
Return to confident riding from any starting point
I notice now that it is a normative experience to meet riders who have lost confidence in their ability despite continuing to keep horses in their lives. There are many narratives to explain the diminished confidence, often discussed repeatedly within horsey circles with much empathy. The advice given varies from offering tips to stories of how others have managed to get beyond their fears. However, more often than not, I hear others reflect back their own lack of confidence and witness the forming of a spontaneous support group where fears and loss are shared.
There are many narratives that are heard from riders who lack confidence. These can include:
- experiencing an accident that was traumatic
- witnessing an accident that was traumatic
- the loss of a treasured horse
- a lengthy period away from horse riding
- late arrival to horse riding
- a new ambition to progress beyond a current comfort zone
The common experience for these riders is the maintained and reinforced position of low confidence and being unable to understand how to get confidence.
Fear
Fear is a powerful emotion and one we rarely recognise unless in its most intense form. We can describe ourselves as stressed, tense, anxious and lacking confidence — when we are in fact referring to the biological state of fear.
Most animals are equipped with something referred to as the ‘Fight or Flight response’, wherein the biological response to a threat is to fight it or to run from it. I will add here that ‘freeze’ should also be included as a response to fear but is often forgotten. Think of the rabbit in the headlights. These are common to you, the rider, and your horse. Freezing on your horse, or avoiding the challenge that scares you (flight).
I suspect you are in tune with your horse and know when it is alert to danger — even able to see what might make it spook, that rope left on the yard concrete or a passing truck. Being in tune with the horse is a central tenant of the partnership that emerges as rider and horse bond.
This bond, as you likely already know, works both ways. Your horse is in tune with you and senses your rising fear and associated bodily tensions. For your horse, your rising fear is often a signal that something is wrong. Some horses, often wiser and older or just bulletproof, will walk you through it — but for many, a cycle of tension appears. The horse tenses in response and your fear increases as the bond between you feeds this fear back and forth and in escalation.
When you are in any scenario where fear appears or where you fear that fear may appear (more on this later) you are also hypervigilant. This means that your senses are on the lookout for a signal that danger is present and hypersensitive to any evidence of this. A slight change in breath, stride, eye twitch… you can read danger in places where it doesn’t exist as your brain is searching for proof.
The difference, however, between you and your horse. You can imagine a fearful event, rather than it needing to be actually present. Horses don’t spook at imaginary ropes on the ground (perhaps imaginary snakes that look like ropes), but there still needs to be a physical threat. You, on the other hand, can spook at the very idea of hacking out, jumping 1 metre etc. The idea in your mind can create fear and with it shame, embarrassment, disappointment… a whole array of unhelpful self-defeating emotions that seem impassable. In fact, even the fear that you will panic (the fear of fear) can be enough to unsettle you, before you even climb onto your horse.
This cycle of fear expands, as fear generally does. Our bodies are designed to protect us and the best way is avoidance of threat… and the best method of avoiding threat is to constantly notice what is associated with it and then move further away. It starts with a fall on a hack, on a busy road, it expands to include all roads, it expands to include anywhere off your own familiar arena and can expand to include any time, any place… any horse. All of this is to be human and none of this is worth shame, disappointment or embarrassment — it requires a very different response, one in which you recognise the natural response you are having and start to re-educate your fear system and break the cycle.
It starts with compassion
The trick to managing fear is to first recognise that it is your friend. We evolved this system to aid us in fighting or escaping threats, such as lions and wolves. In many circumstances, particularly competition, it helps us to be in fight/flight mode as our adrenaline levels kick up and so does our performance, response rates etc. These abilities, which aid us in fighting or escaping, also aid us in achieving and competing etc.
It certainly doesn’t feel like a friend when fear gets in the way of what we want to do. But it is important to realise that this is because a relationship between our imagination and our emotions has taken hold, where reality no longer has much influence and our panicked mind takes the reigns too often.
Let’s start with compassion.
Be nice to yourself first. Recognise that your mind needs reassurance and baby steps, both to create a space to observe and then to re-educate your alarm system that there is no danger. As there really isn’t… it’s imagined.
This means that any negative impressions of yourself as failing, having lost the ability, being too afraid etc… are noticed as negative thoughts that you have created to try and explain why you keep hitting fear as a wall. Fear is common to us all and needs a much softer approach. Hitting fear with negativity is a no win.
Start with new ways of describing your feelings:
” I am afraid, but that’s ok as I will soon get over it”
“I didn’t manage it today, I just need to take baby steps and it will come”
“I have the ability, I just need to remind myself of this”
etc…
Notice when you attack yourself and speak to yourself as you would to a close friend or relative — compassionately! This is soothing and is what we all need when we are afraid.
Baby Steps to Success
Start with what you know and feel confident with. There is no starting point that is wrong. It could be galloping on the cross-country field without jumping or it could be holding your horse on a lead rein, tacked up waiting for the next step.
Then add in a very small step — and I mean REALLY small. Approach a jump, approach the gate before a hack, sit on your horse…. just the next step. Observe your response, your tension may rise.
That’s totally fine, what a nice body you have to have concern for you and to try and help you. Congratulate yourself for being so self-caring!
Stay there.
Stay there.
That’s the golden rule. Do not step back until your tension drops. Teach your body and mind that nothing goes wrong and you are able to step out when you want to — not as a response to tension. Fear is the servant of avoidance and bows to gradual exposure and compassion.
Notice when your tension passes, which it will. 100% guaranteed. I have seen it in too many clients to have any doubt — you need this confidence that it will for it to happen (sometimes a coach can help with this if really can’t connect with my confidence in the approach).
(on this note, I have helped people to ‘stay there’ for 30 minutes and more on occasion — the mind can be stubborn).
Once it passes, pat your horse and smile. Then choose if you wish to take another baby step forwards or to end it for the day. Both are fine. The only thing that is never fine is to step back whilst tense as this reinforces your mind’s habit of protecting you by steering you with fear. Your mind will also learn that the fear was not met with any danger.
Then… repeat. As often as you’d like.
Expect fear to re-appear at any point, but often it is less (not always). Repeat the same task — sit, compassion, wait.
Eventually, the panic will pass and a new understanding will form. You will learn that fear is temporary and getting past it is a soft and kind approach, not a battle. A new skill that will bleed into your whole life.
Dr Craig Newman (confidence & competitive rider coach — www.aim-you.com)